


cold

by Kevin_DesertBluffs



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, But they get better, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Monty is still sad, Nightmares, percy is the best, things are sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-05-07 07:33:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14666334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kevin_DesertBluffs/pseuds/Kevin_DesertBluffs
Summary: Everything on Santorini is perfect until Monty starts getting nightmares





	1. guilt

**Author's Note:**

> A bit dark, but it will get nicer. I will probably update soon.

It was one of the beautiful nights they had had every night since they arrived on Santorini. Monty, curled up in bed, and Percy curled around him, one hand on Monty’s stomach. Sometimes they slept apart. Still on the same bed and close enough to hear the comforting breathing of the other. It was heaven.

At least until the nightmares started.

Sometimes Monty was falling, deep down through blackness. He would flail about to feel for something to grab, something that would stop the upcoming emptiness from swallowing him whole, something, anything! But there was never anything. He would call for help, for Percy, but there was no one. He was alone with the swirling darkness. And it was so cold. He would wake up shivering, and cuddle up to Percy until he remembered what warmth felt like.

Sometimes Monty was stuck. In deep, black tar, he would try to move, but all his limbs were pinned down by the combined weight and stickiness of the solid mass surrounding him. Sometimes Percy and Felicity, or Scipio would be standing far above him on a cliff overlooking the thick, black sea he was drowning in. Again, he would call out for help, but all that would come back would be his father’s voice, ice-cold and condemning: _Pathetic. You are underserving of their love. They won’t help you._ And Percy would look at him pityingly, and Monty knew it was true.

On those nights, he would silently get out of bed and walk to the cliffs above the beach. There he would sit for hours, watching the waves crash on the sand. And wondering what would happen if he were to slip. He would wait, letting the cold night air and ocean wind chill him to the bone, until the first pale rays of morning passed through the clouds and illuminated his face. But just a little bit, because Percy woke up early. Monty would get back in bed and shiver, feeling cold in the very marrow of his bones. And it sort of felt good.

Sometimes Percy would comment on Monty’s ice-cold toes, but Monty played it off as a joke, pronouncing that it was because he was cold-blooded, and because Percy left the window open, even though he never did.

But they went along their daily routines, eating together, cleaning together, working together, and yes, even sleeping together occasionally. and life was normal. And life was good. And Monty was happy.

Even though he wasn’t.

The reality was that Monty barely felt anything. Everything he did was laced with a flavor he couldn’t quite place. It was a familiar flavor, one he had tasted all his life, yet it still tasted… not quite bad, but definitely not good. Now, it seemed to overpower almost everything, making things he loved  taste bland, and sort of bad, the way a pastry might taste if you suddenly found out that it had fallen on the floor. Or if you realized that it belonged to someone else.

It was guilt.

 

 


	2. past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percy notices something is wrong with Monty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! More angst. I promise it will get better. I wrote the flashback for another fic that I never published, so I decided to put it here instead.

Monty wasn’t himself. Percy noticed.

Things seemed… different. Sure, he would still joke around, and laugh, and kiss Percy, and do all the things he normally did, but it wasn’t right. It felt half-hearted and hollow coming from a man who always plowed through life pulled along by his heart on his sleeve. Something was wrong.

Monty wasn’t eating. At least not much, anyway. Just a bit, here and there. Not enough. He often didn’t come to dinner at all, promising to eat something later, but never doing it. They usually ate dinner with Felicity twice a week, and Monty’s absence was noted, but Felicity never pried. On the few occasions that he was present, he sort of picked at his food, never eating more than a few bites. Percy would comment on Monty’s lack of appetite, but Monty only agreed and said that he wasn’t hungry, and left it at that.

But Percy still worried. It was hard to see Monty like this. A sudden memory from less than two years ago popped into his head. The similarity was striking, and the remembrance did nothing to quell Percy’s growing concern.

 

_Percy had been looking for the candle box for half an hour. This was peculiar, as it was usually kept in exactly the same place in the cupboard, but today it wasn’t. He eventually found it in the very back of the house where his aunt had been doing some housework earlier. He wasn’t sure what she had needed it for, but when he picked it up to replace it, something- someone caught his attention_

_It was Monty, curled up completely sideways in an armchair. His shirt was partially untucked, and one arm was hanging out of the chair, tracing lazy shapes on the hardwood floor. He had a black eye, and his lip was split and bloody._

_Monty didn’t acknowledge Percy’s presence as he walked over to the chair. Percy lightly brushed the back of his hand across Monty’s cheek bone. Monty flinched._

_“How did you get in?” Percy asked._

_“You had given me the key.”_

_“What happened?”_

_Monty didn’t respond. He watched his hand as he traced another circle in the dust._

_“You can stay here tonight if you’d like,” Percy offered._

_“No, I’ll go back.”_

_“Are you sure? It’s very late.”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_Percy knelt down next to Monty, took his hand, and looked into his eyes. Monty looked back silently, his face betraying nothing._

_“Monty, you’re not fine.”_

_“I am FINE.”_

_But Percy could see him shaking. Monty noticed, and curled himself into a tighter ball._

_“Stay here with me, tonight. Have you had supper yet?”_

_“No, I’m not hungry”_

_Percy took that as relenting, and helped Monty out of the chair. They both walked in silence back to Percy’s room. Monty sat on the bed, and Percy grabbed a washcloth._

_“Perce, really, I’m fine,” Monty said, batting away the cloth._

_“Are you sure?”_

_Monty picked at the bedspread, “Why do people always ask that? I’m not going to change in the seconds that it takes to ask a question.”_

_Percy sat down next to him, “Maybe they want to give you a chance to reconsider lying.”_


	3. Percy notices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I just want you to be fine"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SORRY it's taken me this long to write more. I've been procrastinating. I have one more chapter left...

Monty did everything he could to keep his nightmares and his morning walks a secret. He knew Percy would worry, and the last thing he need was his pity, or to cause him more pain than he already had.

But Percy found out anyway. Actually, he had known for a while. Percy had a habit of waking early and lying awake, staring at the ceiling, until it was no longer obscenely early, and he could get up without having to light a candle.

He had often observed Monty’s comings and goings, The way he would move in his sleep, mumbling words Percy could never make out. The way he would awake with a start, slowly climb out of bed, and move silently from the room. The way Percy would wait for him, wondering where he went and when he would be back, though it was hardly more than a half an hour. He never confronted him about it. After all, Monty was entitled to keep _one_ secret. But Percy worried anyway. Between his eating habits and this, Monty was almost constantly an object of Percy’s concern.

It ended one night in November. Percy was awoken by the sound of muffled sobbing. When he opened his eyes, Monty was already walking out the door. Percy dressed quickly, and ran after him.

Monty was sitting atop a boulder on the cliff overlooking the beach. He had his legs curled into his chest. Percy sat down next to him, and he started, nearly falling off. Percy caught him by the shoulder and pulled him back.

“Percy! How did you…”

“I heard you crying, and then saw you leave. I figured you might be here.”

Monty pulled his knees to his chest. “I didn’t want to worry you.”

Percy put his arm around Monty. A soft breeze fluttered their hair. “Don’t ever worry about that. I’m fine. I just want you to be fine.”  He looked Monty in the eye. “And right now you don’t seem so. You’re shaking.”

There was so much love and concern apparent on Percy face, that it made Monty feel both overjoyed to be near this man, and sick to his stomach that all of this care was being lavished upon he, who did not deserve it. He wanted desperately to put his head in Percy’s lap, and cry until he had no fluid left in his body, but that seemed to overstep an invisible boundary, so he just hugged his legs harder, and didn’t respond.

Percy seemed to understand.

“Let’s get you back to bed. You’ll catch your death out here without a coat.”

“mm.” Monty didn’t move.

“C’mon. I’ll carry you if you like,” Percy offered, and without waiting for a response, picked Monty up. He didn’t protest.

“You’re too light, darling.”

Monty had no idea how to respond to that, so kept quiet. Percy had no response to Monty’s silence, so said nothing.

They began walking back to the house. Or rather, Percy walked, and Monty very nearly fell asleep in his arms.


	4. Don't worry, darling, you're safe now.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Percy confronts Monty about his nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! I had to get it out before the next book came out officially. I just made it!

 

When they arrived back at the house, Percy put Monty down on the bed and climbed in beside him. They fit together like spoons in a drawer, laying quietly, simply enjoying the safety found in the other’s arms. Percy put his hand on Monty’s stomach.

He could feel his ribs through his shirt. Something was clearly wrong.

Percy uncurled himself and threw back the covers a bit and propped himself up on an elbow and looked at Monty.

“Alright.”

“Alright what?” Monty propped himself up on his elbow, mirroring Percy.

“Why aren’t you eating? What were you crying about earlier? What’s been going on?”

Monty looked down at the bed. “Nothing.”

“You know you don’t have to keep secrets anymore. Is it nightmares?”

Monty looked away, and started to pick at the bedspread. He considered turning around and refusing to answer, but this was _Percy_.

And he remembered all the nights back in England when he had woken up in the middle of the night, screaming and sobbing.

 He remembered all the mornings that he had tried to get out of bed, only to be greeted by sharp pain that made him gasp, and the events of the previous day coming back in a rush, making him want to curl up into a ball and never have to face the world again.

He remembered all the nights he had sat alone trembling in the dark of his room, wishing Percy was there. Wishing someone was there. Wishing someone  _wanted_ to be there.  _All_ the time, not only when he was flirtatious and handsome, and exuding a confidence he wished was real.

In that giant estate, there was no one. With its many acres, and its many servants, and the family members who lived there, there was still no one.

Now he had someone.

And by god, he wasn’t going to give him up because a man in a dream told him he was unworthy.

Even if he still partially believed it.

 “yes,” Monty said quietly.

 

“Was it your father?”

“Sometimes.”

“What else, then?”

“You.”

“Me?” Percy recoiled as if he had been burnt.

“No, wait! Not like that. That’s not what I meant. I don’t fear you.” Monty reached a hand out as if trying to pull Percy back and assure him that he wasn’t going to break under the pressure of closeness. “I promise. I just… I shouldn’t be here. With you,” He finally managed to choke out.

Realising that sounded bad, he tried again, “I… I’ve… I can’t… It’s not that I don’t want to, I just don’t… really…”

“Darling, what is it?” Percy pulled Monty onto his lap and enveloped him in a hug. Monty felt safer almost immediately. He breathed in that distinct Percy smell that made anywhere feel like home. He still felt a bit sick.

“I don’t deserve this,” He whispered, “I don’t deserve you.”

Percy pushed Monty off his lap, so that they were facing each other, knees touching.

“No,” Percy agreed, “You deserve so much more.  You deserve a better father. You deserve safety. You deserve happiness and fulfillment. You deserve the freedom to live how you choose. You deserve the whole world, but you have me, and I am prepared to give it to you, because _you_ ,” He paused here to pull Monty back onto his lap, “are _my_ whole world. And never doubt it, because we choose each other every day, and we won’t have it any other way.”

Monty was quiet for a moment.

“That rhymed.”

“So it did. You know I’m a poet.”

“I only didn’t know you could write anything but dirty rhymes.”

“How dare you. I am the best poet in all of Greece.”

“Maybe the best poet in the house.”

“That’s the best compliment I’ve ever received.”

“My pleasure.”

Monty closed his eyes, but Percy still had one more matter to address.

“But, Monty, please. You need to start eating more. You’re too thin. It’s a bit worrisome.”

“Don’t worry, darling, as long as I have you with me, you can be sure I’ll never want for anything”

Satisfied, Percy closed his eyes, too. They both sat like that, enjoying the simplicity of each other’s company, until they fell asleep, the sun rising on the horizon over the bright ocean. Their life wasn’t perfect, but it was plenty.

**Author's Note:**

> My Monty rp blog on tumblr! ask-monty-montague.tumblr.com


End file.
